Twas the Night Before Christmas (Attorney’s Version)

Excerpted from the NEA Journal, December 1960

Whereas, on an occasion immediately
        preceding the Nativity festival, throughout a certain dwelling unit,
        quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the
        sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling,
        a rat; and 
        Whereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular,
        closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace
        in expectation that a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive; and 
        Whereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re:
        saccharine-flavored fruit; and 
        Whereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper
        headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal
        inertia; and 
        Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to
        investigate; and Whereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a
        vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrapeds of a species found in
        arctic regions; and 
        Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid
        animals by their appellations, as follows: 
        "Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer,
        and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet,
        Cupid, Donder, and Blitzen"; and
        Whereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the
        hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit
        gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings.
        Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and
        upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a
        felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, ie:
        Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night!