Twas the Night Before Christmas (For Dads)

On the night before Christmas, 
It's still in the house. 
My whole family is sleeping, 
So I'm quiet like a mouse.

I look at my watch 
And midnight is near. 
I think I'll sneak out 
For a cold glass of beer.

Down at the corner, 
The crowd is so merry, 
I end up by drinking 
About twelve Tom 'n' Jerry.

I get to bed late and, 
Gee whiz, how I'm sleeping, 
When onto my bed, 
Those darn kids come leaping!

They sit on my face 
And they jump on my belly, 
And I'm shivering all over 
Like a bowl full of jelly.

They scream, "Merry Christmas!" 
My poor wife and me, 
We stumble downstairs 
And she lights up the tree. 

My head is exploding! 
My mouth tastes like a pickle! 
I step on a skate 
And fall on a tricycle!

Just before Christmas dinner, 
I relax to a point, 
Then relatives start swarming 
All over the joint..

On Christmas, I hug 
And I kiss my wife's mother. 
The rest of the year, 
We don't speak to each other.

After dinner, my aunt 
And my wife's uncle Louie 
Get into an argument; 
They're both awful screwy!

Then all my wife's family 
Say Louie is right, 
And my goofy relations, 
They join in the fight.

Back in the corner, 
The radio's playing, 
And over the racket, 
Gabriel Hader is saying,

"Peace on Earth, everybody. 
And good will toward men." 
And, just at that moment, 
Someone slugs Uncle Ben.

They all go outside whooping 
So the neighbors will hear. 
Oh, I'm so glad Merry Christmas 
Comes just once a year!