Twas the Night Before Christmas (For Star Trek Fans)

by Michael RichComment — Updated August 5, 2023


Twas the Night Before Christmas
Aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise 1701D

by Rusty Soots

'Twas the night before Christmas on the
        On a routine short hop to Starbase 303, 
        With Data on duty in the captain's chair, 
        In hopes that the Enterprise soon would be there. 

        Just for something to do while the other crew slept, 
        He scanned where historical records were kept 
        And with a blink of his eye and a cock of his head, 
        "Intriguing! Tomorrow is Christmas!" he said.

        But no one was stirring, and he sought to find why, 
        And so he buzzed Geordi, who woke with a sigh: 
        "Christmas? It's only an old holiday 
        Now just let me get back to sleep, okay?"

        But is to wish Merry Christmas not human to do? 
        And so Data wished it, to the whole ship too. 
        Everyone on the Enterprise woke from this clatter 
        Picard rushed to the bridge to see what was the matter. 
        "What is the meaning of this noise, Mister Data?" 
        "Sir, is it not Christmas?" "We'll discuss it later!"

        Just then Worf said, "Captain - a Klingon prey bird! 
        Its hull has been damaged - it's uncloaking, sir." 
        "On screen," said Picard, as the Klingon ship hailed: 
        "Federation vessel, our life support has failed! 
        A strange ship attacked us, inflicting the worst 
        (though naturally, of course, we had fired on it first).

        The Klingons beamed over and the senior staff met 
        To try and determine the source of the threat. 
        Said Picard, "Mister Data, an assignment for you: 
        Give all of these Klingons something to do! 
        They think it's the Romulans we should look for 
        Get them all off the bridge, before they start a war!" 

        So Data departed, while the rest of the crew 
        Wondered: Romulans? Ferengi? If not them, then who? 
        Said Worf, "Sir -- disturbance on Holodeck Three!" 
        The entire bridge crew ran down there to see. 
        Roared Picard, "Mister Data, what the devil is this!!" 
        "Sir, I have taught the Klingons how to celebrate Christmas."

        And so there they were -- on holodecks 3, 4 and 5
        With synthohol, singing and rokeg blood pie! 
        Soon the Big E was rocking with holiday cheer 
         Friend and foe came from sectors both far and near. 
        The Romulans showed up with some Romulan ale, 
        The Ferengi brought goodies for free -- not for sale! 

        But a strange ship was coming, the captain was told, 
        With one crew member only, and a huge cargo hold. 
        Said the Klingons, "It's the strange ship that fought us -- attack!" 
        Said Picard, "On Christmas? -- Mister Worf, hold back." 
        And then as they watched the ship come into view, 
        Onscreen came its captain -- none other than Q!

        He wore a white beard and a suit of red... 
        "Joyeux Noel, mon Captain," was what Santa Q said. 
        "Tell those Klingons next time to not go so berserk. 
        You know, you need good defense systems in this line of work. 
        Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be warping away... 
        Who else did you think could do this job all in one day?"

        "I'm sensing emotion," said Counselor Troi, 
        "Peace in the galaxy, good will and joy." 
        And they stood on the bridge and watched Q take flight, shouting,

        Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night!

‘Twas the Night Index
Christmas Main Page

© 2010-2015 Michael Rich.

Leave a Comment